Happy New Year

Well, happy New Year to all. As I sit at the computer and think about the year.... let me focus on my back. Last New Year's Eve I went to the movies with my husband and friends. I wore lidoderm patches, took lots of drugs, even wore a girdle in hopes that it would help. I seem to remember being in pain all the evening. So, now a year later we have the same plans with the same friends which is great...I am still going to be wearing the patches, taking the drugs and perhaps not the girdle as I do not think it helped much. Last year I had Doctor appoinments and injections that did no good. This year I feel pretty much the same. I've seen a neurologist who thinks perhaps he can help ... that would be nice. Not expected..but very nice. I still have hope that this can be cured or dulled in some way. I shall keep looking . I am lucky that I can still do my job and am not completely disabled as many people are by pain.Enjoy what you can...and hope for the best . That's what I have to say for this year!

Pills and Patches

   Sometimes I feel that I am held together by patches and pills. I do feel I am supporting our local CVS alone with all my purchases. But when I am patched and drugged to the maximum I can function. I am going into NYC next week to confer with a new Doctor. I don't have any real hope that he will come up with some way to ease my pain but I do feel that I must try. My job of teaching means that I do stand at least 6 hours a day and that pressure on my back is not good.

It's funny how I relate to the very elderly people in the retirement home down the street from us quite well now. Misha ( my dog) and I walk over and he gives wags and lovin to everyone he sees. We all walk slowly.

The lidoderm patches are great. They don't stop the pain completely but when I first put them onto a painful area the cool gel feels fantastic.

     I love looking out the window from my couch. I watch cars and people go by. I watch ornamental grasses wave in the breeze and remaining flowers from summer. I love watching the season change. Soon the trees will be orange and red. I feel greatful for all that I have in my life that is great.

Pain....

  So, I have not had anything much to write. I wake up moving as though I were 100 years old. I take my pills which don't work too well anymore. I put on patches of lidoderm to calm the inflamed nerves below the skin. I try to plan my life around my pain.
  I go to work. Sometimes it is like girding myself for battle with drugs and patches and bandages, I will even wear a girdle some days to pretend it is going to help. I love my job ...But after I get home I lie with an ice pack on my back and leg. I go to bed at 7:00 so I can lie flat on my firm mattress. I read. I sleep. And start again.
  I am going to go in NYC to meet with another Dr. I just need some coroberation that indeed there is nothing I can do to stop this pain. I believe the Dr. I went to here is honest. I just find it hard to live with what he said. Every day is a struggle to dress, to stand , to sit. to walk.

  When I lie flat at 7:00 at night I am greatful that I do not have small children who would want my attention. I am happy to have my little dog with me and my books to read. I am thrilled my husband does most every thing that needs to be done ...I am lucky.

Ah, limp along little doggie.....

Well, I have been wearing an ace bandage to cover the lidoerm patch that covers my calf behind my knee that moans in pain. If I don't wear the ace bandage then the patch falls off, then the pain is worse. Ergo, the ace bandage...

Ace bandages are better in the winter than the summer I think. It does add a bit of heat to my entire throbbing leg. I limp when I walk at the end of the day. Not as cute as this lovely lady. Mine is a dragging of the leg somtimes complete with moaning on my part. Halloween is coming soon. Perhaps I should go as a mummy?

And now....

Well, the SI joint injection I had did not work at all. But I did go to the nicest hospital that I have ever been to. Dartmouth Hitchcok Hospital is incredible from the view going up to the front doors, to the guy playing the piano in the entrance. Eveyone who works there is smiling. I was a bit unnerved by it, being used to city hospitals but I mean everyone was pleasant, helpful, and kind. Even the injection was sort of fun. I had a resident from Arkansas who watched the Dr. He was funny and so very nice. The nurse even held my hand while an enormous needle was stuck in my backside. Didn't hurt, it was numbed. So for those of you who might have an SI joint issue the shot is not a big deal.

But after a week of waiting , it did not prove to work. I now have pain in my outer calf, outer thigh as well as the ever present pain in the butt . I"m still doing the med thing and thinking about what next to try.

Smell the roses..or any other flowers

Good morning. I just looked at my last entry and thought...heavens, who wants to look at someone's backside? How about something beautiful. I adore flowers. I love their individuality, fragility, colors and the way they are just there...in a garden or out in a field. It is hard to convince myself that they are so beautiful only for bees to be attracted to them...it is hard to think that they are not so endearing for the sole purpose of making me happy. How ego centered is that?

I am forever thankful that I am an artist and the visual world means so much to me. I can be stunned by a butterfly on a bush, textures of leaves on trees and shrubs...I can be so happy in my own head. I am always working on art. It 's not all good. I teach art too and tell my students that for every thing one keeps there are lots of things that get thrown away. But it's the process that can be so intoxicating. Look around I tell the kids. Beauty is right in front of you!

New Learning.

Well, I do love new learning. Now I am focused on learning as much as I can about my SI joint. I now have  a rolling gait when I walk (much like a drunken pirate in some old movie) . My right outside calf hurts a lot too and I can't put the lidoderm patch on it unless I am wearing long pants. Hmm...and it is still summer. I think the patch would just fall off without pants to press it to my skin. Maybe I'll use duct tape!

   So, I thought I have done no exercises this year as one doctor told me it would hurt my aches and pains more. I fear that I look at bit more like this gentleman on the table than necessary.

I looked up some exercises for the SI joint and found this.

I also found this one! Check out the exercise at the bottom. What the heck is that? Who can do that? I am sure no one in the world. But today I may try some of the less daunting exercises. Cross your fingers that I don't get trapped in some terrible position never to be unbent.

SI joint

So, what is an SI joint? The Si joint is the joint in the bony pelvis between the sacrum and the ilium of the pelvis which are joined by strong ligaments. The sacrum supports the spine and is supported by the ilium on each side. The joint is a strong weight bearing joint that produces interlocking of the 2 bones.

 The Dr. proposed that I get an SI injection . The injection would go into the joint and would be diagnostic as well as possible curative. It would show what was going on in that area to the Dr. and she would inject a steroid which might decrease any inflammation thereby stopping pain. STOPPING PAIN! I could not quite fathom that . I signed up immediately and will return in 2 weeks for the injection. There is hope ...of course not  that I would ever do that gymnastic postion above but that I could be pain and drug free.

Hope Springs Eternal

 Well, I am back from a week vacation. I headed north and while I was away I made an appointment at a small hospital in a college town surrounded by gorgeous mountains , blue skies and puffy clouds. I left the busy city Doctors and met with a pain specialist at this hospital. My cousin went with me. I have no sisters and she is the closest in my heart to one. The nurse complimented us on looking related. I was thrilled.

My goal was to get a second opinion about my pain, what meds could I be taking? My hope was perhaps there were better combinations than what I was doing now. And a discusssion of what the future would hold. The intake exam was the most thorough I had ever had. I was asked to walk straight lines and balence on one leg.

She asked " when I put on my sock standing on one leg, did it hurt?" I was bewildered.She was a young thing and probabaly looked like the young lady  above picture. I , on the other hand was sure that I would look like this poor charcter on the floor  if I tried to put a sock on standing up.I do not think I have put on my socks standing up for 10 years, pain or no pain. But I digress.

" I see that you have an annular tear" She said. "But I dont' think that is causing your pain. I think it is in your SI joint. "

"What every is that ?" my cousin and I asked?

Ah, a new day!

I know that for some of you (and myself) waking up in the morning can be a startling experience. This may be because you have somehow twisted yourself in the night and a new an unbefore recognized area of your back is now in pain. What does one do? I suggest getting out of bed as carefully as possible.

For me, I need coffee and some pills to get the day into perspective. I try to do one exercise and that is to stand straight. I am not a man, but I liked this picture. It shows embracing the day. There are many professions that you may have. Hopefully it is not like this one above. Nice painting by Millet though.

If you go into an office , when you get there you could stretch a bit before sitting into your chair. If you try this one though you are insane and will end up in the emergency room for sure. Remember that your back in your achilles heel and you want to pamper it.

Go slow, make up a mantra . " My spine is devine" (even if that is not quite true) You are not a spineless urchin. You have things to do, life to live...go to it.

Things one can do!

  When my back hurts I try to think of things I can do that do not involve my bending my back in any way. Hopping, skipping , jumping, leap frog, trampoline use and gymnastics are a few out of bounds activities. But there are many one can do with great success.

A guardian angel

  What one needs when one has medical issues is really one doctor who is rooting for you. I guess that Dr. could be your orthopaedic, or surgeon or physcial therapist but there needs to be someone who will listen and really think about you. For me that Dr. is my general practioner. She ( Dr. N) has been my Dr. for about 20 years. She has suggested a wonderful therapist when I needed one, an incredible surgeon when I needed one, and I feel she really knows me. So, she is the one I have turned to as each of the experts has thrown up their hands. She has made me have hope and has worked to make my every day be a good one...not down the line..but today.

Last week Dr. N and I talked about how advil had really seemed to help my pain but had really upset my stomach. She suggested an arthritus medication that is an anti-inflammatory but is coated and would not upset my stomach. And she assured me that if it did not work we could try other things. I have tried it for 2 days and must say it has made a huge difference. It is as if the pain is there but is covered with cotton balls or some soft thing so there is no stabbing, searing pain. This is huge.

Thank you so much Dr. N!

Sunday Back Talk

So, let us take a moment and look at someone who had a VERY bad back. Yes, It's JFK. JFK had severe chronic back pain. He could not climb the stairs at times and could not put on his own socks. In one of the biographies I read of him JFK had 9 hospitalizations for back issues while he was President. At one point he had a Dr. who gave him shots of amphetamines. His brother Bobby disapproved but JFK said "I don't care if it's horse piss if it works."
  There you have it. One will go to most any lengths to get rid of pain. I totally understand.

   This weekend I am trying a new pill. It is an anti-inflmmatory used for arthritus sufferers. I am cautiosly optomistic that it seems to be helping. I can put weight on my leg with out feeling searing pain run up and down . ...that's good.

I dream of being able to do this:

thursday's backtalk

Well, today my back is not happy. I took my vicodan, ate my breakfast, put on my lidoderm patches and when I sat down my sicatica flared up . What's with that? The nerves seem to have their own agenda. I hobble when I walk the dog. I need to find some school papers in a box. I imagine I look like this>

Unfortunately for all, I do not. I have found that I can fill and empty the dish washer if I kneel on the floor. I mean what am I gonna do ?. My husband, bless his heart, already does all the cooking. He is a real nurturer. Thank God, Without him I'd be in a bed eating peanut butter sandwiches day after day.

I imagine that I can do this>  Huh!

Then I think how lucky I am . It could be a few hundred years ago and I could be part of a tribe that cannot take care of their feeble and pathetic. I could be left on an ice flow to die. That sounds pretty miserable.

My pain management doctor told me this morning that it might be just a year until there is a sealant that I can have injected into the defective disc and it will cure me. Only a year! and then maybe I can do that (above). I need to just perservere and hope for the best.

Let's talk about the drugs...

Of course there are drugs involved with trying to manage this back pain. Anyone who tells you they get along fine without any is a) lying or b) does't have the kind of back pain I do. Before this episode in my life I was not a big drug user. Yes, the lipitor, the baby aspirin, the low thyroid pill but not any of the heavy stuff. And I must say I always was a bit  intolerant of people who "got addicted to pain killers" Yeah, right I thought. That sounds like a good excuse to feel loopy.
  But now it is another story. I would not feel pain if I lay down all day and all night. But getting up requires pressure put in bad places and the pain I have felt is breathe taking. So, I've taken advil until I was getting an ulcer (8 a  day for 6 months) and vicodan for 6 months but nothing absolutley blocks it out. I've taken them together, I wear lidoderm patches and I honestly dont' know what to do next. I need to be on my feet to work. So, it 's a conundrum.

Monday Back Talk

  Today I had my web designer come over to talk about a web page for my artwork. It's very exciting to me. Thank Goodness I am not a gymnist, or marathon runner, or mountain climber, or bicycle racer...you get the idea. I am so lucky that my art passion involves me being able to sit and work and I can sit in stages. I have discovered that having back problems means that I need to pay attention to timing . After I take my meds I can work successfully for a while...these poor spineless creatures above cannot do that!

But why me?

So, as in anthing that happens to us in life we ask: why me? I sat with the Dr. and asked "who gets annular tears?" "Well, " he replied. "usually football players... or people who are in car accidents...or there actually is a strong genetic component."

"Really" said I . "My mother's side of the family pretty much all have bad backs. " Now . I'm thinking why this could be...and it occured to me that my Great grandparents were first cousins..Yep, first cousins. Yuch, I know I thought when I found out.That in itself is creepy but if both of them had weak backs...there's that bad back gene. Yet another reason to not marry one's first cousin. Though by now it may be illegal, do you think?

Everthing has a spine...sort of

  Everything has a spine I think. Dogs have spines

Cats have spines.

This dog has  a very long spine indeed.

Once Upon a time...

Once upon a time (about 1 year ago) I was a carefee walker, leaper, hopper, jumper. I walked the dog, hopped over squashed bugs on the floor, leaped to avoid falling branches of trees. There was no end to my flexibility. To be honest, my first ballet teacher told me in a loud voice (that the whole class heard) "You vill never be good at ballet, you are too stiff and your back is too long" . That was when I was 10 years old. But no mind.

A year ago something happened and I was suddenly in pain... excruciating pain. It went from my back down my leg. I could not quite fathom that the outside of me looked fine because there was obviously something very wrong. I called my sometimes-go -to -but -never-again acupuncturist. I limped my way to the office. Was stuck with needles. And limped out. Still in pain. "Come back next week" She trilled. Never.

My regular Dr. sent me to a physical therapist. He had me do exercises of many kinds , none of which helped in the least . I went for 3 months though. Limping in and out. After that my Dr. sent me to an orthopaedic Dr. This quiet small man, told me that I needed an MRI and when he looked at it he said it was something with a disc and I should try epidural shots in my spine. So I did, 3 of them. They of course did not work  I went to a surgeon who told me quite abrubtly that there was nothing he could do for me. That I was the worst kind of patient.That surgery would be like sewing together 2 pieces of rotten cloth. There's a image for ya!

Finally, I went to a Pain Management Dr. This Dr. was very nice and spent a whole hour with me and for the first time in 9 months explained that I had a tear in my disc. That is would never heal on its own. That it was hellish pain and that no narcotic in the world would help. In fact he had over 100 patients with annular tears that he could do nothing for. Hmm! A lot to swallow.

So,  I went back to my faithful  regular Dr. and she perscribed some vicodan so I could actually go to work , walk the dog, and not be in constant agony. And here I am today.